Columbia

This is from an e-mail I sent my Sisters Two and Three in January 2005.  They thought it was very funny.  I passed Columbia, Missouri, on Day 30 of my road trip, as I went from Kansas City to St. Louis.  Since the events of this almost-a-decade-ago day are my only other experience with Columbia, I decided to add it to the blog.  I hope you'll think it's funny, too -- the experience described was ludicrously frustrating enough that it actually started to seem funny to me as I strove for acceptance of things I couldn't change.

"Here's how I spent my day, in case you were wondering:

6:00 am:  awake to heavy fog in DC area

6:50: leave home w/beloved, who dropped me off at Dulles.  Check in, etc. for 8:50 flight to STL

8:00: flight officially delayed; new departure time 10:30

8:05: departure time moved up to 9:56

8:07: departure time moved back to 1:20.  Gate agent says it could be earlier, so don't leave airport to get work done or anything.

8:15: departure time moved up to 10:40

8:25: departure time moved back to 11:16

10:00: gate agent announces plane has arrived and will board as soon as passengers from Portland, Maine, debark

10:10: gate agent announces that's the flight to Providence, Rhode Island, that's just arrived.

10:50: gate for STL flight changed to one about a quarter mile down the terminal; plane is in and will begin boarding in two minutes

11:30: midget regional jet with 16 panting passengers and a six-pack of Diet Mystic departs

SWITCH TO CENTRAL TIME

12:00: begin descent into St. Louis

12:15: pilot announces that due to heavy snow flurries and low visibility in St. Louis, we're going to circle 60 miles outside the city for at least half an hour.  Not enough fuel to circle much longer than that; will keep us posted.

12:45: pilot announces we're headed to Columbia, Missouri, to refuel and wait for the snow to move away from STL

1:15:  land in Columbia, Missouri, where the sky is brilliant azure and the sun is pouring golden light upon vast, flat fields of light frost.  A frizzy-haired adolescent in loose jeans and a Metallica t-shirt waves us into our slot -- and I mean waves his hands; no need for that fancy orange-light-stick technology they got in the big city.

1:16: discover one passenger was flying to STL as closest location to Columbia, where he's meeting people at the airport!!  After consultation with administration, crew allows him to debark, miraculously.

1:35: discover another passenger was flying to STL, from Boston, to attend a 1:30 meeting.

1:36: listen to Boston passenger try to get a flight home from STL without knowing just when he'd be arriving at STL, and give up.

1:45:  pilot announces we're gassed up and just waiting for okay from STL.

2:00: pilot announces they put too much gas in the tank -- 2,000 pounds -- so our fuel tanks are now unbalanced and we can't leave until they de-fuel us somewhat

2:45: leave Columbia

3:20: arrive at STL gate!  Warned to be careful on the jetway.  Remaining 15 passengers stand, insofar as possible in 5'7" high plane, collect belongings, try not to trample each other in rush to door

3:30: remain standing

3:35: pilot announces jetway is broken, ground crew is bringing stairs, but must first shovel snow off of stairs.  Englishman in 7B starts to curse.  Everyone else tries to stay cheery.

3:50: cheeriness getting distinctly desperate tinge.  Offers to sign waivers if only permitted off the plane

4:00: off the plane

Never mind about picking up the rentacar, right?